Just Another Reason To Fight

Just like a nightmare unfolds, I try to find a way to express my self. But at last, the girl I've been chasing becomes just a dusty shadow of hope. This bright beautiful woman, turns to be just another faded memory.

How do I find a way to apologize? How do I know where to nod my head and where the beg forgiveness? I've found myself at a crossroads at life, and as long as you've been gone, I've begged for a reason to know why you left me in the first place. But when you arrived, like some shining example of what the world could become, you weren't the one I thought you were. You have emotions like a light switch and can make me disappear from your memory with the clap of a hand. Just understand that, once the candle is out, there is no relighting it.

I held you up, like a perfect being, and yet I was the one being played. You were just a wax figure of an emotional train wreck. You couldn't handle yourself, and thought I was your savior, but even as you sit there and pretend that he's the perfect guy: he's really the perfect guy for the situation you got yourself into. I know that there's a reason for everything in life and I believe in Karma, but I think karma just bit you in the ass when you told me to disappear.

There are people you meet once in a life time and you know that there was a reason you met. There are people who you hold close to your heart and close to your mind. Those people are the ones who you keep with you, head and heart, as you slip into the rift. You take their memory with you, every time you close your eyes or just take a moment to yourself and slide away from the hard reality.

I thought I would never need to write again, since I found you, but it was a lie. You weren't the one, you were just a distraction; A beautiful distraction. I've found myself in the apocalypse, inside abandoned buildings, and hiding somewhere deep in my memories, every time I close my eyes,  you were always there.

I think it's your own selfishness that caused you to be the person you are, and I think you're supposed to be on what ever path this is for you, just understand that I thought you were the one. I thought you were the perfect woman for me. I knew that there was no other that could make me drift away, and I knew it would be you and I at the end of the world. Standing there on the cliff, watching the world we knew, sink into the ground. You and I, back to back. Taking the whole world on.

I thought we were the best the world had to offer. I thought we were soldiers with conscience. I thought we were independent from all this bullshit, life made us believe. A connection was made. A deep unspoken promise. But, now I see, this promise was one-sided and as much as you scream at me to walk away, it's because you're afraid of being true to who you are. You run from the world, because you're afraid of what others might think, but it's the world itself that needs to know you exist. Back into the darkness you fall; I thought I could save you, but It wasn't up to me.

Into the darkness you fall. Into the darkness you tumble; into the darkness, I lose sight. I lost you and the second that change happened, I felt a piece of me break off and drift into the nether, like a beacon; like some sort of candle for you to show your path. But the more I caught my breath, the more I came to the realization that you chose to dive into the darkness. You chose to remain with the dead. You're not some savior, you're not a hero, you're just damned like the rest.

You were a masquerade of a beautiful thing. You exploited my feelings for your own self appreciation. You wore that mask and pretended to be the girl I've dreamed of, for so long. You couldn't find a way to jump into my life without assuming the form of some desired woman. You wanted to be loved, cared, and you wanted to be made laugh, but then you didn't want to assume the responsibility of what you have become. You couldn't wear the mask without causing it to burn your skin. The only mistake I made was trusting you, trusting the wolf behind sheep's clothing.

I know that SHE is still alive. I know that SHE is unbelievably resilient and wouldn't find a reason to install a light-switch. She would keep the light burning forever and would fill the generator with blood before giving up. She would come looking for me, if I was lost. Never giving up hope knowing I would be alive, out in the woods, falling to pieces and bleeding out. I know she would stand next to me at the end of the world. I know she would be at my back with shotgun in hand, blood streaming down her face and screaming with a fury that would shake a solid oak. I know her love for me would never keep me from taking a knee and her screams would make me fight harder. Outnumbered and with the thousands closing in, I'd reload my pistol, grab my axe, and like a fire-induced dream, we would take on the world, with a pile of bodies at my back and her to my side. This is the woman I've come to know. This is the woman I know ever single time I close my eyes. SHE is the reason I keep waking up every morning. And she is the reason I find a way to continue the hunt. I will find her and if it takes me to the end before we cross, I know she has the will to fight for me and not walk away.

My apologizes to the demons inside you. I hope they let you get out of the darkness and I hope they help you find a reason to fight.

“Should the whole frame of nature round him break,
In ruin and confusion hurled,
He, unconcerned, would hear the mighty crack,
And stand secure amidst a falling world.”
Joseph Addison


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